2001-07-19 - 1:26 a.m. - defessus6

I'm not going to write much - I'm only at the computer because I wanted a little break from practicing. It's... wonderful, tonight. I'm feeling what I play a lot more than I have been recently. This is the music as it ought to be - it deserves no less. And when I really get into it... that's when I feel best, when I don't have to worry about what other people think because - dammit, I'm not playing for them, I'm playing for me and... my own god, I suppose. Goddess? I'm not sure. I forget things, though, when I'm in this state. Like... if I stretch too much and play much more than I've been used to, my left hand will begin to complain. Hence the break. I don't mind it as long as I don't do permanent damage to myself... what I need to do is remind myself to warm up properly.

I feel more confident, too, when I'm like this. And... powerful. As if given my instrument and my music I might be able to overcome the way I feel about myself (because I do: it just doesn't last much more than a week after these playouts.)

And truly, I'm very sorry if you've never played an instrument and never felt like this, because it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I suppose it's comparable to what an athlete feels after a long workout- I know that when playing it is possible for one's body to be flooded with adrenalin and endorphins... and the ache feels so good...

Cellists are athletes from the arms out. I'm going to feel so good tomorrow. And I have a lesson...

Oh yes. I'm at the top of the world, and being young with horrors and joys yet to come doesn't seem quite so bad any more.

J