22 X 2001 - 20:52 - ad_te3

I'm off to bed soon, but I figured I'd write something anyway. I got a haircut today, so my head feels a bit lighter. It's weird - even though my hair isn't ever particularly long, it's quite thick, so it always is a relief when I get it cut. I'm aware that made no sense, yes; why don't you find someone else to bother about that?

I promised a while ago that I wouldn't do any more of the ad_te entries, but since I have little to write about (save for a consuming depression that, curiously, I'm loath to write about up here [and I wonder why...]), it's what I have and it's what you're going to get. As my peer advisor said last year (although I do have to admit that he said it about having so much work that sleep is lost), "Suck it up and deal."

I won't be using capitalization in the following sentences - if you've noticed, I tend not to do that when talking about my dreams, when writing "poetry," and when I'm feeling really insecure. I'm sorry if it bothers you, but here's what you can do: if you find a typo, jump on me for it! Be merciless! Or point it out to me and I will be for a short time grateful.

saw you last night as i was sleeping, angel-san - it's been a while since i saw you last, but that's my fault. can i blame you for not wanting to get past the roadblocks i've set up? it's been a long time, too long, and you're too thin and you won't let me take care of you and they have caught you and made you something you aren't. others will point out that you're a fiction, that you can be molded to anything, that you are something i invented to make myself feel better, but we won't listen to them; i have whatever the ius primae noctis can be made into here, you are of my making, we are bound by ties stronger than water, stronger perhaps than blood - and slowly, i will make myself bigger, make myself stronger, and then we will undo what they have done to you, will undo the fishhooks and get you down from that cross and heal your wounds. and it's now that i'm failing you, angel-san, because it's now that i can't help you, now that i can't unhook you or end your pain, and although you are a dream right now i fear that you are everything that is to come. and i want to vow that it will not be this way, that i will not abandon those to whom i promised my aid, my devotion, my faith, but when i am powerless - no. that's an explanation but no excuse; i know i can't help my limitations but i will not give up, not when i know i won't let myself live with that. and perhaps you-all, if you're still reading, perhaps you mock me for getting this worked up about someone who appears only in my dreams, for chrissake, can't you learn to distinguish between reality and fiction already? but i repeat: i fear that what is fiction now may become a reality i cannot escape. tiff, oz, mark my words now: i will stand by idly and let this happen without putting up a fight. even if i'm doomed to lose.

and i saw you today, sir, yet again. these days, i see you everywhere i look, my eye has gotten so used to finding you, even though i know nothing will come of it. yes, i'm only fifteen, but that doesn't stop an incoherent feeling that can sometimes be described as need and sometimes as desire and sometimes as something no teenager should be feeling. it's easy to admit that it's no task to find you; in almost any crowd you'd be the tallest, and maybe it's that i'm after. and something quickens in me, and i know there are hormones clouding my judgment. i know also that i am young, but with that comes my own knowledge, one it seems most adults have forgotten - not because it is invalid for one my age, but because it's been replaced by a knowledge perhaps better suited to a greater age. mother mine, being gay is not one of those things that will be magically replaced, and i can feel it in my bones, that it's part of my makeup, and that this depression, god willing, will pass, but that all the doubts and the how-can-you-know you throw at me, trying to convince me that i'm wrong, will not make me straight, will not pull me out of some delusion i've been suffering myself to have. but you never listen. that's one constant. and another? you, sir, your image i cling to, your improbably tall frame leaning against anything, so many things in the course of the day, straining against the weight machine, leaning against the door on your way out, passing me on the stairs (and too often just standing there opposite me as we both motion that the other should go)- and then something in me whispers (stalker). but it's not, and it's keeping me sane, and oh god i know nothing will come of it and i'm not sure i want anything to come of it - this yearning is such exquisite pain mixed with pleasure -

and yes, i know i sound like some boy-crazy girl, which is as good a description as any other i've heard. but it's not just that. please tell me i'm not crazy for believing that this is something more, something mine?

I took a quiz at http://www.colorquiz.com. Actually, I took it twice. Here are the results (which are actually eerily true, both of them).

Your Existing Situation
Working to improve his image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with his needs and wishes.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads him to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left him listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Your Desired Objective
Suffering from the effects of those things which are being rejected as disagreeable, and is strongly resisting them. Just wants to be left in peace.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. His refusal to admit this leads to his adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.

And the second round:

Your Existing Situation
Conflict and dissatisfaction of one sort or another enforce the need for the compensations indicated by the + group.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates him and inhibits his readiness to give himself freely. While he wants to surrender and let himself go, he regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, he feels, will lift him above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Unhappy at the resistance he feels whenever he tries to assert himself. Indignant and resentful because of these setbacks, but gives way apathetically and makes whatever adjustments are necessary so that he can have peace and quiet. Willing to become emotionally involved as he feels rater isolated and alone. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, though he tries to avoid open conflict.

Your Desired Objective
Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship will bring release and contentment. His own need for approval makes him ready to be of help to others and in exchange he wants warmth and understanding. Open to new ideas and possibilities which he hopes will prove fruitful and interesting.

Your Actual Problem
Feels insufficiently valued in his existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which he will have greater opportunity of demonstrating his worth.

I hope that was entertaining for you. In retrospect, I believe that that was perhaps not the best entry to have up while I ask diaryreviews to review my site, but *shrugs* I'm just good like that with the timing. I should thank odi-et-amo for introducing me to the color quiz and... well, that's pretty much it for this one, folks.

*Instead of the usual Latin word, which is on hold while I go back through my entries and try to figure out which ones I've used, I will give you a term from my Oxford Dictionary of Foreign Words and Phrases, which I bought in (of all places) the eslite bookstore in Taipei, Taiwan.

wadi n. Arabic In certain Arabic-speaking countries, a rocky watercourse which is dry except during the rainy season; the stream running through such a watercourse.