2001-07-13 - 6:48 p.m. - verba4

Bastille Day is tomorrow, and apparently one of the biggest celebrations in the country is happening right here in my very own town. Won't likely be out, though... have things to do. Like practicing for once, maybe. I've been really bad about that recently.

This year marks the 90th year of the Republic of China... another reminder will come on Double-Ten Day (the day the first Chinese city revolted against Manchu rule). Also in the pan-Chinese news: Indonesian ethnic Chinese were allowed to celebrate Chinese New Year this year, and Beijing won the 2008 Olympic bid. Yay. Now, about my city's 2012 bid...

I've been in a really odd mood these past few days - walking around in a sort of daze and unable to piece together even the one coherent thought per day I was getting used to having. Lucid thought? Don't make me laugh. The words just tumble over each other- craackitakitak.

I've spoken before, I think, about the tears that just won't come and the bitter lump I need to swallow afterwards: I'd like to retract that now, and say that I can cry when I don't want to and don't feel sad - indeed, when any crying is pointless, meaningless, and completely inappropriate - and then when I do feel sad and crying would release some emotion, I get all bottled up and... yes. Bad things happen (like: how long can I repress emotion? Are you sure? Just a little longer, let's.)

I fool myself, sometimes, into thinking that what I say is significant. I fool myself, sometimes, into thinking that there is an "I" worth preserving. I wish...

I don't even know how to finish that sentence.

Email me? There's a link at the bottom beneath the notify list.

Yes. I do know how to finish that sentence. That I might be burned away, that I might find my own pyre, my own crucible. No person can live with my mind and remain sane.

What right do I have to complain?

At least I have the luxury of worrying about my mind because I have food for the next day.

Ah. I've been down this path before. This way lies madness. Better not to think. And yet I can't stop thinking. Someone tell me what to do? I'm lost and can't find my way. I want to give up but: because I cannot finish the work in my lifetime does not mean that I am free to end it. And so I must find my strength, somehow...

Anyone: what I said about work, earlier: if you read it, and you know who said the real thing and in reference to what work: will you please give me that information? I have a whole bunch of illusions. Someone give me permission to cling to the illusions for now? I know that loving someone fiercely won't solve anything... but perhaps I might redeem something in this cloddish body of mine...

Have a good day.

Ha.

J

*By the way, I found the real quote: go tothis entry to read it.