30 August 2001 - 23:15 - brevis19

Seating audition coming up-ish, 20 September, and already I'm nervous. I don't feel ready although I have nearly a month... probably because I'm starting to work now on a half-formed piece. That's not a good thing.

In the more immediate future: sister's birthday 31 August, and my birthday 10 September.

English essay-reflection-thing due soon (tomorrow, actually) and lack of sleep catching up to me. I wrote a poem in metaphors about China for class which I was considering posting tonight but I'm too lazy to do that tonight and it seems a bit of cheek to post schoolwork up here, although I'm happy with it (well, not really, it could stand some editing, but within the structure I set for myself, it's at least not abysmal) - so I think it can wait until later. If you'll notice now, I have new tables (yes, I'm excited about this; it should wear off eventually) and I'm changing what they say every so often. The quote above the page for older entries is from Chuang Tzu's Basic Writings.

I'm frustrated that there seems to be no way to get a macron above a letter. I can get a bunch of accents and a cedilla, and even a bunch of Icelandic letters, but not a macron. Come on. I know the Latin lobby isn't strong, but surely there must be some use for long marks.

Chamber orchestra giving me a headache (shhh...) twelve players, 4 vln/2 vcl/2 cla/2 ob/1 fl/1 piano. Balance is off (surprised? I'm not) and most of the players don't practice. Music taken half speed brings cries of "too fast," although to our credit we did manage to limp along through a piece that we have no business playing (well... it's been simplified for us, which would explain why I get to grow more grey hairs while the concertmaster [not very good, to tell the truth] sweats bullets over first-second position lines.) I can no longer drop the class, so I should be in for an interesting year.

There's a headache coming on, I can feel it, so I'm going to go so that it can hit full-force while I'm writing my essay - oops, excuse me, my reflection. Not that I really mind the work - I just have to get around to it, and that's the trouble.

Feeling very isolated as things around me change, grey, harden, crack - things are breaking, my friends are changing, we don't talk any more. We leave each other to our classmates, eat together rarely, and it saddens me although everyone is spared the breath spent on arguments.

Through it all, constants:

• a haze of desire, elusive, without name and without form-

• the grey taste in my mouth when I wake up

• music

• words

• tension - some of it that never goes away and lives in my muscles

Good night.