15 III 2002 - 00:08 - trivialis28

Hello again.

My guestbook is now in its third form or so (which someone said was "less painful," heh). I may vaguely consider messing around with the main site later (and by messing around, of course it is meant that I will change it from what is still essentially a Diaryland template with different colors.)

Ah, God, I have a headache, and I am invoking the name of God, and something is seriously wrong with me if I think any of that was interesting. I will get nightmares if I go to sleep now; two nights ago I had a nightmare about, for no reason at all, eating drywall and plaster with beetle eggs mixed in. Don't ask me why that came up and also you don't want to hear about the rest of the dreams because things hatched and tried to get out in any way possible.

I need to get friends with a better understanding of the rules of causation as they apply to the English language so that I will not be informed that sentences of the pattern "because x i think y" are really two separate thoughts, x and y.

My mind is jumping to a hundred thousand different places and I need sleep and I keep coming back to that set of eyes which resolve themselves now into Blake, now into Alexander. As I think I may have said before at heart I'm ready to commit myself to the idea­(l) of a person far too easily, slut at heart, that's me, except I never get lucky and also I'm a bit young.

Our rehearsal today proved us perhaps not quite ready yet for the concert although it was indeed marginally better than the open rehearsal last Saturday. I have far too many things to do tomorrow (cook dinner, piano lesson, cello lesson, Chinese lesson) to even begin to worry about homework which I won't have a chance to do until late Saturday or late Sunday. If only we had this coming Monday off instead of the last Monday (but then I would not have seen "Trembling Before G-d," and I'm glad I caught that), I might be so much happier.

Was reading grimchick-uhs today although I've yet to place a face with the name Bill gave me and noticed a bit of familiar, the note about not being able to visit the old school -

There are a couple of teachers I promised I'd stay in touch with but once they stopped replying I stopped too. I'd maybe like to go back but it's sort of painful knowing how vaguely discontent I was for most of my time there. Look at me now: I'm still an emotional whore. Stay still long enough and, now, I'll attack you with my slight might, becoming the maudlin drunk. Sometimes I don't like what I've become but, then again, I've never much cared for myself or my own company.

Somenight somewhen I will fool myself into thinking that I do and then the passage of a moment will bring me once again to lucidity. Delusions are comforting sometimes.

I went out tonight after rehearsal with my father to the supermarket to buy the things I needed for dinner tomorrow and think I may have forgotten the potatoes, just in case you cared. I sit here bewildered and unsure of myself as one by one the people with whom I might keep myself sane leave, fall like tenpins, and leave the thoughts which echo around the caverns of my mind.

Some nights I border on insanity, others on hatred; what is common is that trough around 1AM which leads to a greater but misleading focus, a greater intensity. And so I don't want to stay up to then tonight; in this mood, I know not what intensification will bring.

Take care; peace be with you.