16 III 2002 - 20:52 - brevis39

silly silly concert tomorrow, will not go well. gave vague feelings of dread about the impendingness of it all. the st. patrick's day parade is tomorrow and will snarl traffic. we have a hundred seats left to our concert, more or less.

i was one of three people to have my homework for music theory this morning and what is sad is that i did it an hour before class. an hour before class! and i still get good marks on every assignment.

something is very, very wrong with my class. something is wrong with my work ethic, too, but i prefer to deny that until much later.

it would be fine if he wouldn't look at me. if he wouldn't look at me then i could forget what it was about him. everyone looks the same in the dark and behind the screen of the eyelid. with cello-roughened hands perhaps the touch should be lighter than would actually tell me anything. i am not a fool enough to say that i need anyone but i won't deny i think it might be nice, young as i am. the pleased smile on his face when he gets a ticket to tonight's grebanier concert is enough and then in my head i also see perrelli who will on occassion be found in a drumset or listening to the stereo, the vaguely thoughtful expression on his face as he works out the pattern of drumbeats, and - you see? i do not want these hormones should express themselves as much as they do.

quiet and shy as i am (were you ever shy?) someone might be excused, certainly, for passing me, that figure against the window-glass, by. i have things to offer, certainly. i believe i could bring someone a modicum of happiness. not so great are the troubles i bear with me, and those too are a long list. (i take comfort in that everyone must have faults but when i can see ten thousand things to be corrected - corrigenda, in the broad sense - in myself, then i begin to despair that i should ever be found more than terribly wanting.)

there is a considerable amount of interchange between this and the other, now - mostly having to do with my length theory for the other one. if an entry gets to be too long i usually will transfer it here, which leads to missing context (as i use notes in the other for springboards). i feel sometimes i should be cross-referencing these entries. for example, in my last entry, i refer to one of dizboy's entries; there is an entry in the second diary which also speaks of how i feel about parenting and what i want to do with that, someday.

that in itself is a curious thing. i have one idea in which i become a diplomat, another in which i build a life for myself with a life partner and one or two children. i do not see my profession in the latter; how do i reconcile the two, if i must always move about? i don't think the domestic partner benefits from the federal government are all that great, and to leave them behind:

i think no man would be such a saint, and quite honestly, i do not believe myself worth fidelity of such sort, the willingness to be apart for such a period of time. the summary of that? it would not happen, least of all for me. (remember? "Domine, non sum dignus..." which is the theme of this entire goddamned journal. no, i'm not bitter. i bring it upon myself.) i am planning now for something which will not come for at least ten years.

this, perhaps, tells you something about my spirit.