18 III 2002 - 17:02 - brevis40

This will be a short entry as I'm currently running a little late. By rights it should be in the other, but I'm lazy and so can't be bothered to type that extra "2."

Going back to the entry of yesterday, I have two thoughts: a) I'm smart enough not to do anything that might leave a scar. That would worry people. b) I think this is why I enjoy orchestra so much. It's my savior; there, I can be a part of something greater than I am, and it doesn't matter whether I'm a good leader or really much of anything. Everything blends into a wash of sound and music, if it's done properly.

My glasses are always askew. This gives me a curiously lopsided appearance, as if one of my eyes has moved farther up my face than it was the last time I checked. I'm beginning no longer to be surprised by this although it makes me somewhat misshapen. They also bounce when I run, which makes the world bounce and gives me a sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach.

Will and I are foils to each other, I believe. There's a certain bond we share being the only openly gay students at our school but we are opposities in so many ways. Still, I think I might get to like him if he could maybe be quieter for a short period of time. Today he was drugged and sort of subdued. I think I like him better this way.

Of course, I'd have to become a little louder for it to be completely fair, and I think we all know how likely that is.

I talked to my teacher today about the Greek program at UC Berkeley. She does think it would be a good idea - she's excited that I might be doing it. So I think that's a definite yes on the plan for the summer of my junior year.

I wonder when I might begin to feel a little better about myself. Or if I ever will. I got some nonsense about this being my cross to bear the other day. I don't want to contemplate it but if it has to be this way, then it must be, and I sure as hell won't have anything to say about it. I don't know what it is about the past week or so that's gotten me feeling this way. Whatever it is, I'd like an end to it.

Two more years until I can get out of the house, thus removing one of the superficial causes of my problems. But how do I excise my self-image and replace it with a healthier, better one?

Answer that, and I'll love you for the rest of my life.