29 IV 2002 - 22:35 - trivialis38

a quick, cursory entry, mostly because i'd like to get to sleep. soon.

today was an interesting day at school. i stayed awake in all my classes for once. i even understood what was going on in math. i wanted to talk to the nice lady therapist about not seeing her any more because she raises my anxiety levels and she told me that "some people get anxious if they're enjoying themselves too much. i don't think you'd still be walking in this door if you hated this as much as you say you do. i think part of you enjoys this and that another part of you feels anxious lest you should enjoy yourself too much." well, she didn't use the "lest" construction. but i think her point is clear, don't you? damn. i really don't need this right now. but thanks a lot for trying to make this harder than it already is. and, god damn. how many of you think i'd still be walking in that door if i hated it with all my spirit, just out of sheer cussedness? sign the guestbook with your opinion.

al and i forgot we had signed up to make another youth orchestra announcement today at all-school meeting. so we didn't bring our cds. always the master of quick improvisation, i took out her english horn and made her play one of her solos. ha. everyone applauded at least. not that i think anyone will come, but we livened things up a bit. also, i'm told i'm funny to watch, because awkward as all hell. we'll see about that. we realized afterwards that this time, we had remembered to mention that it counts as a concert to write your paper on for a sophomore class... but had forgotten to mention what time it happens. 2 pm, davies symphony hall, in case you're interested. 19 may. n. said she'd come and bring her son as well. i'm hoping she does, although i warned her about the ives. (ives. ick.)

as an aside, bee and flower soap rules.

i want to get him out of my mind. except i lack conviction and so he stays, a plague, a goad. to what end do i toss myself about in front of him if i know i'm never going to do anything about it? (good question. i'm curious about that myself.)

god knows i don't know anything about anything anymore. so wipe me clean and start me with a clean state...

no? then i'll have to do it myself, with the punishments and the pains that will make me purer.

i'm a bit young to be starting on a course of extreme self-discipline through pain but if that's what it takes, then so be it.