01 VII 2002 - 23:40 - ater3

The first-class postage rate has gone up again, to thirty-seven cents.

I don't understand where my self-confidence went. I really don't. True, I was never really a toot-my-own-horn kind of person, but that still doesn't explain how I turned my back on myself (hmm) for a moment and lost any belief in myself for a moment. Also bound up with this is my sudden inability to take criticism except where my Chinese is concerned. I've sort of given up on being able to pronounce Chinese in a standard way.

I don't mean to make it sound as if I never get praise, because I do. Too often for my liking. (I *suck*, dammit!) Reasonably, I recognize that it's likely the same thing that warns me off praise that also makes me reinforce all the criticism I get with more self-criticism until my ego is through the toilet and out in the Bay.

(The law of mediocrity would dictate that the great part of what I do, what anyone does, must of necessity be less than good so that what is good may be and not have been overwhelmed. But that hubris which is mine would have me be different -)

But dear God, when did I stop being able to hear criticsm for what it is and start hearing it as an attack on everything I do and a reinforcement of the general concept that I can't play for beans? I get irritated when people criticize me now. It confirms what I already know, goes the thought before I can stop it.

And how the hell do I stop this all? The worse my self-esteem becomes, the more of a right bastard I become, just because energy then goes into being arrogant so that I can feel good about myself. Sort of. It's the 'I'm shit! Everyone around me is shit!' complex, and I'm not terribly fond of it.

I used to remember being able to feel good about myself. I used to remember how to string sentences together, and I used to remember how to be calm, still, patient.

And now, I'm not any of those things, and that hurts.

I try to distract myself, but I'm doing a lot, and I know I can do only so much. Sometimes it feels as if even what I'm doing is a little too much to bear. So if I can't bury myself in work, how do I combat the stillness spreading from within?

It's an honest question, and not one I'm sure I'm old enough to know the answer to. But one is never too young to search.