26 vii. 2002 - 14:33 - trivialis45

i've got a couple items from my notebook that i've been meaning to transcribe here now for quite a while. so:

midterm for my mythology class approaches on this coming monday and i'll have to admit that i'm more than a bit nervous. i've been paying attention in class, but what if my mind refuses to make the necessary connections as i sit with my blue book spread open before me?

i thought i might try the ampersand theme this month and came up instead with a riff on synesthesia; maybe i'll put it up and submit it. i'm still waffling about that one.

lying awake in bed at night tattooing one variation from beethoven's thirty-two on my sternum, or sitting in my room and threading my way through the suites of bach, so deliciously complex, varied, and alive it's a wonder that they were ever forgotten: it's moments like these that make me think, dear God, how could I ever give this up?

i woke up this morning for the first time in a long while feeling as if it might be all right that i'm flawed, that flaw might make me human, rather than some sort of subhuman slimeball worthy only of contempt. it feels strangely good; i hope it lasts. [note: it didn't.] surely sitting in class trying to repress the nonsensical dangerous urge to jump up and taste, to lick, my neighbor -- no, it can't help this rightness's chances for preservation at all.

why do at least three n and j cars always come to the station before a k, an l, or an m will even think of approaching?

i'll be around, but my little notebook loves me more.