09 III 2003 - 00:25 - the spaces in between are not there

I've felt unable to write for quite a while now.

For a bit, I thought it was because of stress, or because nothing interesting was happening in my life (as if it ever does), or because I haven't written anything else except for homework for the past few weeks. Indeed, my schedule has been pretty regular: school-practice-homework-sleep. Sometimes I even eat.

But no. Usually, duty forces me to send a relatively prompt reply to the emails sitting in my inbox (although "prompt" varies, so that for certain people it is the next day, whereas for certain others - D. and T., neither of whom read this, it is within three months.) No reply has been produced for the bulk of my email for about half a month now (and if you are one of the lucky recipients of my replies, it wasn't a mark of special favor or anything, just my whimsy.) I will get to them eventually, it's just --

It's just, I think, that I've been unmotivated to do anything but homework and carry on through life as normal, and I've been doing a lot of reading and sleeping, and I think I need to recharge in general. My mood is slowly improving -- once school started, I did have an easier time being happy, although I still remember being much happier on a regular basis. We'll see how things go...

it's just, you know, I feel obligated to have so much more energy and joy of life than I do, because I'm young, and instead of feeling like a green shoot I feel as if my inner landscape consists of rotting leaves and brittle twigs, and I'm not sure I'm too pleased about that. I'm not sure if I should wait for change to come, stop reading the more depressing selections from Emily Dickinson's poetry, stop doing my English reading (Testament of Youth, by Vera Brittain), go out and force happiness onto myself (contradiction much)? or all of the above --- in other words, I'm not sure what to do, which leaves me in exactly the same place as the one I was in when I wrote the entry I did not write.

But I suppose I can't expect some things to change too quickly (although I always start off by saying they have) and the best thing is not to dwell on it, because if I ignore my feelings, they can't be too bad. I'm overdue for bed, but I will leave you with three search engine hits I've gotten recently:

'homosexual cannibals'
'taking a horse cock'
'britney was a tiger in my bad'

I'm not quite sure what that last one means, but it's sort of catchy. You know. 'Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace, Britney was a tiger in my baaaaad.' And so on.

I'll be back sometime between now and June, probably to let you know:

1) how my recital on Monday went
2)how the two orchestra concerts we have went
3) whether I got in to the Latin/Greek Institute for the summer, pending submission of the application form, only half of which I have, and
3a)whether I'll be in New York City this summer.

Also, there should be some Alchera things coming. But aside from this, I wouldn't expect too much of me until I actually feel, you know, better. I'm hoping the equinox will do it.