14 XII 2002 - 19:25 - de me

We had our holiday concert and there were lots of noisy children and somehow it was fine, because Al did well by her solo and Rita Moreno was hilarious and old people I haven't seen in two years were back for the concert. And the bassists are all wearing Santa hats: how can you not smile at that?

I tied three ties today, not including my own. This is becoming a regular thing (like the pencils). I suppose it should be my new duty (well, after I finish taking the hair out of Al's brush *cough*).

I haven't started studying yet and I haven't written the Buzzes. On the other hand, I've finished Hello Cthulhu for the moment, and I got most of my book-searching done (just need to think about the sisters and the parents now).

I think I'm in a better mood now than I was in yesterday, mostly because I've stopped thinking so much about how I feel. There's this ridiculous tendency of mine to overexamine everything, and while the unexamined life is not worth living, there is such a thing as an excess of examination. Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Sometimes the theory that I gain something from the trying works just fine. In fact, it works just fine on most days. But then I begin to wonder: at the end of the last entry, I was where I've been so many times before. I have to make a new circle each time, and the process is indeed so familiar that the route is quite easy for me to stylize by now. Which doesn't mean the mood passes any more quickly, but.

If I can see I've done it before and that I've ended where I started -- well, it would seem that it takes more than the repeating of my safeguards to bring me whole again.

If I don't think about how much I don't believe in what I said, then it doesn't hurt. But then I slide into a complacency and I know I'll be kicked out of it in a month or so. The labor of it is of course in getting myself to believe it, then...

Sometimes it is difficult merely to be.