2001-06-05 - 11:39 p.m. - brevis10

I don't know any more...

Certainty is so hard to find these days. Just as I've found stability, something else pops up. What is this, some cosmic game of Whack-A-Mole? (Please don't say yes...)

There are times it seems I inherited the stubborness of my father, the temper of my mother, the impatience of my sisters... the things that are peculiarly mine are my insecurities (or else everyone else in my family is much better at acting).

There are times it seems that I have the emotional depth of a radish. I may be underestimating the radish.

There are times when I wish that life would just go away and knock later when I'm ready for it. No deal, though. I have to queue up like everyone else and when I get what I waited for it's not what I wanted at all. Just like everyone else.

Some days I wish that any or all of what I say here were unique. Some days I wish that I didn't feel so vulnerable. Most days I wish I were different in a hundred thousand ways.

At what price would consistency of thought of action of emotion come?

I know it's all for my own good. At least in theory. So why does it grate on me so? It being any one of a number of things... like my mother, who just came in and yelled at me and told me to go to bed. It isn't midnight yet.

I don't know what's keeping me sane. I don't know what's keeping me alive. Seems as if whatever life-force there is should just pop out of my body with my next breath.

Nope. Didn't happen. I have friends that I can't disappoint.

To bed...

J (:>