09 III 2002 - 17:50 - brevis38

Now I know who Owen reminds me of. It's Parker. Never mind that they look nothing alike; it's the shape of their cheekbones and the way their chins and eyes work when they're making a certain expression halfway in between surprise and sarcasm.

Today in open rehearsal, we played really, really badly. I don't know how we're going to do this in a week. A week! And we still can't play all the way through several of the pieces (Débussy, Takemitsu) without falling apart. We have maybe nine hours of rehearsal left, which sounds as if it's enough... but what if it isn't?

Sharon approves of Perrelli, says he's nice. I thought so, too, which would be why I had that attraction to him. (Although from my track record, perhaps I shouldn't have taken it so for granted.)

Joe got into Juilliard; Anna was accepted to Aspen with the teacher she wants; Blake hasn't heard anything yet, and Gabrielle is mad at the section for not being able to play either double-sharps or follow ritards. I'm thinking it'll be easier to focus next concert, when Blake isn't directly in my field of view. (Right. I can keep on telling myself that.)

It's funny how I juxtaposed those two comments - I mean the comments about Blake, Alex. It's as if when I'm in the sphere of one (orchestra or school), the other doesn't exist, which I know is not so. But it's easier to think of that way. It's different things draw me to each, too (and somehow, I don't think they'd like the other), which leads to a really, really odd composite in my head. Put that out of my head:

Chloe, I saw you walking down Fell today, by the Panhandle, with some people who looked vaguely familiar from that one punk soccer thing I went to.

I just have to get through the next week; then we'll be in new seating, and I won't have to deal with Eugene, and the person directly behind me will be Anna.

I have work (as usual) to do, so I'll end this here and come back later if at all. I'm getting a really bad feeling about this concert, though. We'll be ready - but how will we get there? That's what I want to know.

(And, Anna? Good to know that you've got similar troubles, although for very different reasons. You'll find someone, I'm sure of it. And for me, I think I'll be waiting six more years or so.)