09 IV 2002 - 22:14 - quotidianus13

This, the entry about everything. Sit down for a bit:

Every time I attempt to brood these days (said activity I find enjoyable, like the process of self-discovery I loved for its pain) I am interrupted by a Voice of Glee: "I can soar inside my head!" or somesuch ridiculous thing. I'm getting rather sick of it, really, wish it would end. It's not going to. It's spring. Spring brings with it madness... and, apparently, horrible weather. It rained today but didn't - in that we had the drizzle but not the satisfying climax, no downpour, no torrents. Still, it's water, and water is good for the reservoirs. I was struck by how concerned people are about the rain and the snowpack - my cello teacher, my uncle, Aunt Betty from Carmel-By-The-Sea (all right, the last isn't real; the rest are). We don't want another drought and.

I'm inclined to blow off my homework for tonight. Tomorrow is the National Day of Silence and my school is allowing observation, which means that - most likely, my teachers won't see much difference. I have problems with sound production, will never be a singer. Plant me in the dark, alone, and my voice swells; in the light and with others around, it again diminshes, but a shadow of what it could be.

My teacher is pleased with my Shostakovich - we just had our first lesson since it was assigned, and he was pleasantly surprised by how well it was under my fingers. I've got, more or less, the first two movements (the feeling more of the first; I've not spent much time with the second) at tempo. This I'm excited about. I can't wait to hear it on 15 April; Rostropovich is a hundred thousand times better than I ever will be, but I will be able to pick up something from his playing. I hope.

Roller-coaster of feeling describes my life passably well. I know what I must have been feeling here but it feels far away, as though it sits behind a veil. The veil doesn't help things. I know the bitterness is still there. I should get used to being five foot two for the rest of my life. I can say it now without twitching; such are the small steps of my progress.

I cut PE twice to talk to my friends: once after school on Monday, and a second time during D-block today. Oh, I'm bad. Ha. Such a ridiculous requirement, anyway, and since when is screwing around at 2 mph (3.2 kph) on a treadmill better exercise than running to and from class at 8 mph over three flights of stairs?

My sleep habits are ridiculous now. Apparently I have become an eighty-year-old. (Segues? I don't need segues!) Nothing to do? Sleep. Doing something boring? Sleep. Can't hear properly? Sleep. Maybe it's something in my food.

Alex dyed his hair and now it is greenish, which is not too bad on him. I spent time today looking at Will and thinking that he's not too bad after all. Then he said hello to me, tried to use guilt to get me to do something, and I was reminded why I have come to associate the phrase "visceral dislike" with not only Alon but also with him.

Health class on Thursday is going to be the "gay and lesbian panel." Which consists of putting a panel of (presumably) gay and lesbian "people from the community" up on the stage in the auditorium while the sophomore class gets to sit and ask them questions for 95 minutes. Does that sound like a good thing to you? It sounds like a good way to get long, awkward silences. *sigh* And I know that from next year on, I will quite probably "get" to be the "student representative" on the panel, since (barring the incoming freshman class of 130 [! for perpsective, my "large" class is one of 106, and we are only allowed to have 389 people from our permit - but we're going to have more]) I am the only semi-out gay student after Will leaves. Whee, what fun, I say.

Quote of the indefinite period of time: after a student was caught using her textbook instead of the notes we're supposed to use in class, she said, "I'm sorry!" To which the Latin teacher immediately responded: "No, you're not."

After I register and if all goes well, I will be doing the intensive German program at UC Berkeley this summer.

D. responded to my email. R. responded to my post. I am not going to blow my homework off after all, and the next week is going to be a little hell.

Before that starts: math test on Wednesday and Friday, with a history test on Thursday. I'm so ready.

Take care.