27 vii. 2002 - 19:54 - brevis53

�ゃ��Ҋ�Ї��ֆ�?

As far as Chinese goes, that's pretty much nonsense, but that's all right.

What I'm not so happy about is the way in which my mother told me that she was unhappy with herself because her 'daughter isn't a daughter' and her 'son isn't a son.' I wasn't hoping for PFLAG, but this is the worst it's been for a while. Perhaps ever. And she wishes she could take back everything she ever said about us, since obviously she did this to us when she 'wished that V. had been a son, or that you had been a daughter.'

I understand that she hurts and that I shouldn't be so angry, really, but it's hard to deal with it, especially when she says that, in some ways, she thinks it would have been better 'if you'd never been born, since I wouldn't have made the mistakes I did.'

So here I am, no son, to talk about my life, no life, and what emotions it does bring to me.

On days like this I want to do more than bite my lip and bow my head and retreat to writing. On days like this I want to scream and rage and other generally socially unacceptable things. On days like this I am in no mood to count my numerous blessings and indeed, I wish I could crawl into a hole and wish it all away.

But since that isn't happening any time soon, and since I remain a good little child, I'll keep right on being a good little member of society.

Who write breathes thinks feels and on occasion oversteps his bounds, trying to be older, trying to be what he isn't, pushing down anger for the sake of the more important peace.

But what does one say?

I can't imagine why, but Hallmark doesn't seem to make the 'I'm Sorry I Turned Out This Way' cards that would seem to fit the occasion.