31 I 2003 - 22:09 - xin1 nian2 hao3

xin1 nian2 kuai4 le4
shi4 shi4 ru2 yi4
shen1 ti3 jian4 kang1
gong1 xi3 fa1 cai2

(may your new year be happy;
may all be as you wish it;
may you have good health;
may you become prosperous.)

The English running text shows, of course, my dreadful lack of sensitivity to the Chinese, but I'm hoping that there aren't enough of you out there who know the literal meaning to take up arms over it. In any case, the intent is the same: good wishes for the New Year, which include in some order happiness, wish fulfillment, health, and prosperity -- the important things.

I had to leave gong1 xi3 out -- my dictionary gives 'Congratulations and be prosperous,' but that's not what it means in this context, even if gong1 xi3 does mean 'Congratulations' in most normal contexts.

Dizboy's year passes away tonight in favor of the Year of the Ram (Sheep) (Goat), which is the year 4701 and also the 92nd Year of the Republic (although those years start with the solar year now). All of which was a very long way of saying that tomorrow is Chinese New Year, and as a result, there are preparations being made, as auspicious foods must be cooked and we must hurry to do things that would be inauspicious to do tomorrow (for instance, bathe, clean the house, and take out the garbage). Ordinarily my family tends towards the reasonable, but when it comes to Chinese New Year-related superstition, we're just as bad as anyone else.

The auspicious foods have been eaten, and I've called the relatives of mine who live in China and Taiwan, where it already is the New Year. (It's funny -- the connection to a Shanghai mobile phone was terrible, and it took quite a bit of shouting before I could make myself understood enough even to be recognized. Also, I don't think they were expecting my call because I was born in the United States, which amuses me, because who am I to my Western friends if not the poster child for right relations with everybody? Ah, the concept of decet, it is fitting... but now I should shush myself, because this is a parenthetical paragraph and Latin has less place in a discussion of Chinese habits than it does at all other times.) The local Chinese television channel (which is actually no longer devoted to Chinese programming -- in the past two years, we have gone from two Chinese-language channels to half of one) is showing a program (taped from the mainland, but I don't know where -- I missed the introduction) that consists of a big celebration of the New Year through pop music, scary synchronized dancing, and more traditional Chinese arts. It's supposed to last through 1 AM, but I don't think I'll make it through the entire program -- much as I hate to admit it, some of the music makes my ears bleed. I'm just not used to it...

Oh, look! Google's search page is sheep-themed. I love the way their logo changes.

I'm not entirely sure what Chinese New Year means to me. I think it, along with the other major festivals of the Chinese calendar, remains mostly as an opportunity for me to celebrate a little, to nod to superstition and tradition as a way of telling myself I haven't wholly rejected everything about Chinese culture, and to eat Chinese food. If I think about it, it's sort of sad that the extent of my connection to China is frequent exposure to its food, some idea of its festivals, and a spotty (perhaps eighth-grade) command of its (spoken) language -- and at the same time, that's all I really feel comfortable with, at the moment. I probably shouldn't be speaking about this on New Year's Eve, because it must break some obscure rule, which means of course that I will suffer terrible, terrible luck for the coming year, but here it is: I'm still trying to figure out just what it means to be a United States citizen of Chinese descent. Certainly I'm a product of the States, but there's always the question of just how much of a hold China has, is supposed to have, should be encouraged to have over me. I'm not sure how much shame there should be in having fallen away from the traditions my parents new, and in any case the traditions are changing all the time, to keep pace with modern society (just ask the residents of Hong Kong, who could probably tell you a thing or two about changing traditions). Should I feel like a bad Chinese because I can't make it back to the graves of my ancestors to clean them on Ching Ming Day? (And is the fact that I don't know where most of them are buried more or less of a shame?) So many questions --

Just a few years ago lies this terrible remembered agony in feeling as if I should be all one or the other, and if I think about how I feel too much, I think that agony lies a little closer to the surface than I'd like it to. So I push it down and just go on being what I am, which inertia means that I exist in a state that I could never really describe because it confuses even me.

No matter how much one of the teachers I used to talk to a lot tells me that it's easy and desirable to embrace both cultures, it still doesn't seem so simple to me. What I find when I look at things is a sense of dislocation, of not being at home most of the time in either culture. The translation of that is, of course, that there are moments, no matter where I go, in which I feel compelled to shake my head and mutter to myself, 'That is so weird.' Like the costumed synchronized dancing on the television just now, for instance.

I think I'll end this part of the entry here -- what I want to say, I think, will be leaving the subject of the New Year soon.

But tomorrow, it will be time to start new things, and also time to tread carefully -- wouldn't want to ruin the year by breaking something, would I? Technically, I'm not supposed to work with knives, either, but my volunteer work is more important than that, so I'll try to ignore the significance of chopping things (my life?) into little pieces.

Fascinating: with each year it becomes easier to avoid what shouldn't be said, as I gain some proficiency. After eating, one shouldn't say one has 'finished eating,' for that implies death, nor should one say 'i'm full to death' (it sounds better in Chinese), for obvious reasons. Instead, it's best to say 'i've eaten until i'm full,' which will ensure one's satiety for the coming year, at least as far as food is concerned.

We hope.

Oh, dear -- the television is now bringing me the joy of rows and rows of mainland Chinese soldiers, kicking the air in perfect unison with their beautiful navy-blue-or-perhaps-black uniforms. Can't miss that.

gong xi fa cai!