28 I 2003 - 22:10 - brevis67

My brain is mush, I've been falling asleep in all my classes because I'm still exhausted, I'm gradually losing my command of the English language, and despite this, I remain happy. Why?

Well, it's quite simple, really -- my friends' brains are turning into mush at about the same rate as mine (although they tend not to fall asleep in class. Neither do I, really -- I just spend class sort of wishing that I had the guts to just... close... my... eyes. Then I feel guilty about how rude that would be and I snap into this weird blank stare where I'm sure it doesn't look as if I'm paying attention, but at least my eyes aren't close. Hey, look! I'm in the middle of a parenthetical paragraph! I wonder how I should get out). Because this transformation is happening to all of us, we're all quite happy with one another, even if we're the only ones that understand each other. The problem is, of course, that I am expected to do things, like fill out worksheets and write essays, and really? I'd be happier if I didn't have to.

As if the castration dream weren't enough of a problem when I'm falling asleep, I've also been twitching inexplicably as I lie awake in bed. Not only that: I seem to have become sensitive to both the ticking of the clock and the slight vibrations of my bed, neither of which bothered me before. The vibrations make me wonder if there's about to be an earthquake, which I know is silly. I haven't been this nervous about earthquakes since I was four, and I think it was understandable then, if Loma Prieta had just happened a year earlier. The resurgence of earlier fears bothers me for some reason -- probably, it's that I don't like to imagine any such regression.

Which I think is something I'll have to get over -- there are a lot of unpleasant truths about myself that I'll have to face sometime. There are good things, too, and maybe I should look at some of those, too. I can't quite figure out what's wrong with my view of myself because I seem to myself both overly critical and ridiculously lax, and while I know there's no reason I can't be both in different areas... never mind. I don't know how to finish that sentence.

I realize now, for no reason at all, that it is very easy indeed to avoid people at my school, despite its size, and that I haven't seen some people in my grade for something like four months now.

As far as i. goes, no, I'm still not over the desire thing. But don't worry -- it was silly anyway, and I won't be acting on it before he leaves for greener pastures.

State of the Union address -- I didn't catch all of it, because it came right between two lessons of mine. But was it really so brilliant that applause was necessary after that sentence? Somehow, I doubt it...

We will soon be returning to our regularly scheduled teenage angst. Oh -- wait -- we never really left it. Figures.