18 II 2003 - 23:31 - utinam felicissimus vere sim

It's not that I've given up on this entry thing.

It's only that I have a week of break, and because it's not longer or shorter, I feel no real desire to write, as most of what I write is description, and I've mostly been sleeping.

Normal programming should resume once school starts up again. Until then, I'll be scarce around here. It's funny -- I hadn't realized (notice the complete lack of segue) how much school helped me deal with my parents. That separation for seven hours seems to be something I'm missing now. My parents have been after me to teach them how to use the CD burner on our computer, and I have been, and I have begun to split in two:

the first (the Bad Child) is annoyed that my mother is taking notes that she then refers to and cannot understand, is annoyed that his parents keep asking the same questions over and over again, is getting more than a little irritated

and

the second (the Good Child) is horrified at the thought that there should be any cause for irritation in the desire of his parents to learn. You ungrateful asshole, this Good Child shouts at the Bad Child. So far, the Good Child is winning...

but not by much. Peering over my shoulder as I read through some of what I'd missed in the past eight days, my mother said, 'You aren't still into that whole gay thing, are you?' It was another one of those questions that I didn't know how to answer, probably because yelling at one's own mother is not really an acceptable thing to do (although that hasn't stopped me before -- I do have an odd sense of when abiding by what is proper is appropriate). After all, it's not my place (this whole notion of decet, of 'right relations,' is even stronger in my sisters, who are quick to point out that I am ten times more willful than they ever were. I must be a bad child! Of course, they were also the ones who asked me if I could think of anyone who could stand to be with me for more than a limited time. Hmm...)

My cello is in the shop, getting a warped bridge fixed; at the same time, I'm getting new strings and a rehair. I had a meeting with my school's counselor, who said good things about my record and then told me basically that he didn't know very much about the differences in strength of the departments that cover what I'm interested in between schools. (Separate those prepositional phrases. And while I'm here -- Flood, I'm familiar with the concept of the 'dog dare' only through the occasional writer trying to retain that elusive Young Adult readership and, now, you. Don't ever change, unless it pleases you to.) I realized that I really do like all of you who I've been reading, and (apparently just as couchmobile does), I think you're all beautiful, talented persons. Also, I am still (although my mother is not reading this) into 'that gay thing,' yes. That first indoctrination meeting did its insidious work well...

Not entirely unrelated to the subject of indoctrination, I met R. and J. for the first time yesterday -- we went first to several bookstores in Berkeley, then took BART and MUNI back to the Castro. I'm a lousy tour guide, but I think they'll forgive me. Given what there was interest in, I should look up button-shops and T-shirt vendors for R.'s next visit...

I joined a YGS list over the weekend. It's been interesting. I fear I shall be of little help, being an abysmal Reassurance Guy and often floundering myself, but it'll be good to do what I can, I think. The bad grammar and punctuation abuse (think sentences that go like, 'And today I had three sunny-side-up eggs!!!!!!! Isn't that NEAT?????????') have got to stop, though, if I'm to keep my sanity.

It's past midnight -- as usual, it has taken me a very long time to finish an entry I thought was going to be short. I think, eventually, that something in the Good Child will snap and that I'll find a happy medium between the two extremes, or something. It probably won't be pretty -- shoving irritation beneath the surface doesn't work well (and it's not even very efficient, because I'm not terrific at the mechanics of repression; too much shows) in the long-term, I don't think, or at least doesn't seem to with my personality.

But for now, there's peace. And isn't that what we'd all like to be about?