13 IV 2003 - 17:37 - trivialis59

I've been sick, and after the first two-day stretch without writing, it got much easier to tell myself there wasn't anything I had to say that would justify the time it would take to put in an entry. (All while updating the other one far more than I've done in a year, of course; but you see, LiveJournal has a desktop client! Surely they knew when they created one that I was just that lazy...)

My orchestra had its second 'intensive rehearsal weekend' yesterday and today. The 'orchestra gathering,' a lame attempt to make us all bond as an orchestra when we aren't playing together, was cast as a wondrous and delightful party that would incidentally celebrate our conductor's 32nd birthday. Of course, it failed miserably. I think there was supposed to be dancing going on, but mostly people clumped in the corner for a while and then left. As my friend put it, 'What else do you expect from a party to which only the people who are wallflowers at all the other, better parties are invited?' Except she put it better, because my memory is terrible and she's much funnier than that. I promise you.

Also had a bad moment when I realized that most of the people I've grown to know and love, both in orchestra and through my Latin class (these are the only people with whom I've had class for three years in a row, remember), will be gone next year. I suppose I could make new friends, but how much more melodramatic it will be when I start wearing suits of black and lurking in corners at rehearsals and in the hallways! (Actually, I am rather bad at making new friends. I must lose the ability within two weeks of landing in a new situation -- once those first few friends have been made, I can't remember how on earth I met them, and then there's just this block to trying to make new friends, because I don't want to impose on these fascinating people who are all having conversations with each other. Either that, or I don't want to talk about the latest release of Final Orgy Of Blood XVII. Reasonable, this last one, no?) I'm still not entirely sure how I'll deal with the departure.

National Poetry Month is good for something -- the bookstore by the symphony hall was having a 20% off sale, so I emerged with a couple of books I'd had my eyes on for a while. There are worse things to be addicted to than books, I think, but I can't stop the vague feeling of disquiet that strikes just before the sight of all these volumes in their shelves unhinges my mind. ('Oh no! Another hit coming!' it might say, were it a small voice that lived in my head.)

Nothing about the summer program until news comes back; I don't want to jinx it. All my materials (hopefully) are in -- the communcation that I did receive from them was to tell me that my transcript hadn't come (! I sent it off at the same time as my application), so now it's just the waiting.

Apparently, you get no transitions until the news comes back, either. I've been in a distressingly distracted state of mind recently; things just don't seem to register and I've been trying to shake this feeling that nothing I do makes an impression anywhere. It's terrifying to stare out into the night and feel small -- which is another thing I seem to have started against my will, that is, waking up in the middle of the night (usually around 4 AM) and just staring out because I can't fall asleep again until about 6 (and then I have to get up at 6:30 anyway, so I feel disgusting for the rest of the day).

I'm finally making some progress with my heap of emails, so it's time to tear myself away from the computer, stop writing content-less entries, and get some sense of purpose for my life. Even if that purpose is simply to worry about everyone else.

(But if you wanted content... this, thanks to mechaieh, hit me just as hard as the actual news did this morning. The mind is a curious beast.)