11 V 2003 - 20:01 - trivialis61

I have the 'Troika' from Lieutenant Kije looping in my head. It's driving me nuts, especially as to have this piece looping when it's so far out of season (and place: what occasion is there for sledding where I live, ever?) merely confirms my hidden fears that I am nothing more than a walking 'Top 10 Hits of Classical Music: Vol. 7.' And for some reason, that terrifies me more than anything.

There are many things on my mind, but I haven't been writing about them here -- or really, with a few exceptions, anywhere else, either. Something that has cropped up recently has been a curious sort of unwillingness to eat. Which is funny, because although I've never been a hearty eater, I've never really had problems with eating, either. (There were a few episodes of pickiness that gradually diminished in frequency as I got older -- although I do have an unappealingly highly developed gag reflex that allows me to vomit without actually vomiting, meaning Lots of Sound Fun if there is a texture in my food I'm not expecting -- that have begun to recur, as part of this General Problem.) But these days, I find that I am more and more often reaching a state where, if I think about how I'm feeling, and how much I've had to eat, I know I'm not yet full, but at the same time my stomach is sending my brain feelings of satiety and generally saying, 'No more! I have no more interest in eating!' Such a disconnect between mind and body is, for obvious reasons, disturbing, but I've had limited success with making myself eat. I haven't begun to wake up hungry in the middle of the night yet, but I have a feeling that if someone were to wake me at 3 AM, it wouldn't be too long before I realized that I was really too hungry for someone who had eaten dinner the night before.

Anyway, the entire situation leaves me quite baffled and wondering how I can connect what I know to what I feel once more. In other, happier, non-gastrointestinal news, I finally checked out Baudolino (Eco) from the branch library and began distracting myself with it immediately. Happiness comes from books. (And people, too -- but at this stage, lots of books, too.)

To conclude, I know I had said something about the impending two-year anniversary of my Diaryland presence, but I now realize that the last entry (trivialis60) actually marked the two-year anniversary. For some reason, I had persisted in believing that I didn't get here until 19 May, but for what it's worth, two years have been filled. Thanks for stopping by, and don't bother with the earlier entries. Even I find them unreadable.

I may or may not, depending on mood, be taking an extended break from Diaryland, as I always feel guilty about not writing long tracts here and inspiration comes intermittently anyway. Alchera projects will continue to show up here, as long as I keep writing them; while I'm away, you may want to stop by Ilonina, Marn, Flood, and Mechiaeh, if you've got some time on your hands. Over and out.