17 X 2001 - 16:38 - vita3

Two entries in a day. Oh my. A bit of clarification: to R., what I meant when I said "thank you" was something more like "whoa, I totally know what you mean about the awkward stuff being hilarious, and I thought what your friend said was funny, and I'm glad you thought that what I said was funny, too." Oh, and J. and I are still going on with the whole coming-out saga: she's decided that she can slowly begin to accept me into her life once more despite the terrible, terrible pain I've caused her. "It takes time to heal, but... but... I think I'm ready. That is, if you are." "Oh yes, I regret those rash words of mine. I've been considering what our friendship means to me and... I just think it was very unfair, what I said, and you're still the same person, and..." on and on in that vein. Well, I thought it was amusing.

I'm getting overfond of this neat little line thingy. Horizontal rule, I know it's called, but still, I like line-thingy better. It helps me divide things into sections, not that that really helps anyway, as I tend to go several different places within the same paragraph (and thank God it's all written out, or else I'd never be able to figure out where I came from... which is what happens to me in conversation, but if you mind that, we're probably not friends [ah, T., what would I do without you? you're my bestest surreal-kinky-godknowswhat conversation buddy. my friendgirl. yep.] because we can't make sense of each other) and so the horizontal rule makes absolutely no sense as a topic divider (sometimes I'm good and use parentheses... at other times i'm, well, not).

So now my Latin AP class is short one cute guy... and since we were four people to begin with, one of whom doesn't have the same free period as everyone else, that means that when I have my AP class it's me, this other girl, and my teacher. I'm all for small class sizes, but our regular classroom is taken up, which means that we're in M-30, which is this little womb-like room in the middle of the library where the clocks are all off, run slow anyway, and the air thickens and stifles us. So that should be an experience. We got much farther today than we did last session, mostly because this time we had a room and could focus, rather than holding class in the courtyard in the middle of a heat wave. Did I mention that I don't like the sun? T. will no doubt claim that my dislike of sun and my insistence that, for formal wear, all-black really *does* look better on me stems from the thing I have for a certain character; however, both of these trends predate the time when she introduced me to the character, so nyah. But anyway. Sun bad, fog good. Fog in. Overcast. J happy.

I've been a bit off recently. Even more so than I usually am... I don't understand why. I'm not sure I want to. Everything seems to be rising against me and I turn to god knows what for solace and I don't find it. And I get a feeling that maybe this isn't supposed to happen to me, not at my age, but of course it is, it happens to everyone, in a way. So why is it that I'm so ill-equipped to deal with it?

They say that "Time assuages" -
Time never did assuage -
An actual suffering strengthens
As Sinews do, with age -

Time is a Test of Trouble -
But not a Remedy -
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no Malady -

Emily Dickinson

no man,if men are gods;but gods must
be men,the sometimes only man is this
(most common,for each anguish is his grief;
and,for his joy is more than joy,most rare)

a fiend,if fiends speak truth;if angels burn

by their own generous completely light,
an angel;or(as various worlds he'll spurn
rather than fail immeasurable fate)
coward,clown,traitor,idiot,dreamer,beast-

such was a poet and shall be and is

-who'll solve the depths of horror to defend
a sunbeam's architecture with his life:
and carve immortal jungles of despair
to hold a mountain's heartbeat in his hand

-e. e. cummings

for, fari, fatus sum (1) to utter, to prophesy, to foretell, to say