17 X 2001 - 05:38 - vita2

Thanks to R. for the email she sent me regarding NCOD. If anyone understands that last, I'll be surprised.

So I was looking through borogoves's profile and I noticed that one of her favorite movies is Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and... well, yes. I liked it too. I have to see it again with my friends over here, though; I saw it in Ireland, in a hotel room in Dublin, on my orchestra's tour, hoping that the chaperone had already checked my friends' room. Because, you know, we were also having wild, passionate sex in there. Yep. The drummer, the violist, the two violinists, and the cellist. Oh, and borogoves? Those string players are really the ones I mean when I say "nearly everyone lives outside the city." But also most of the first violinists live either in Marin or in the south Peninsula or in the East Bay. *sigh* It's just hard these days...

I'm being boring, I know, but try to forgive me, because although it's 5 AM roughly, I got nine hours of sleep last night, and I'm really happy about that, even though it feels really weird to be, well, rested for once, y'know, and, like, like, like *shakes head in disgust* And I need to do my homework and you know what? If I'd started at 5 I could have been done by now.

And sometimes I sort of have to wonder if I'm a good person, really, if I'm not just a freak somehow, because I think I try. And I wonder if that counts for anything. But it's so hard to know if I succeed and I. This is ridiculous. I know it is, too. This meaning - I don't know. Perhaps the diary, perhaps life. It's too much for me, really, and I wonder how anyone survives adolescence. Maybe it's not all like mine. Of course it isn't. It can't be, because some of it's worse.

My string quartet at the Conservatory exploded. The second violinist can't come any more. This means that I will either be stuck with a Haydn or Mozart divertimento (as a cellist, perhaps not my favorite thing to play) or we will find another second violinist to play the quartet that I don't like or... *hopes* if another quartet blows up, we might be able to do something like Brahms Sextet! Oh, right - of my "regular" readers, only borogoves and mwarren and oboecommie know what I'm talking about. (Regular in quotes because I guess it implies I have other irregular readers.)

I got taken off the ethereal diaryring. Think it might have something to do with 1) regular rants or 2) alto-clef complaints?

I fear what his eyes are doing to me. His eyes bore into me during class, cool, clear, and a hard grey, too big for such a face, piercing me, setting me on edge -

I'm not in his thrall. Yet.

metus, metus m. fear