15 XI 2001 - 22:50 - brevis24

Eh, I'm still sick, so I'm not going to school tomorrow. That will give me a chance to sleep in. I hope I don't miss anything too important in any class. Normally, I'd consider the place I'm at in my recovery process (wow, psychobabble for everyone!) a suitable one for a return to school, especially considering that I've been in school for the past two days feeling a lot worse. But it's a big weekend and I really, really need the rest. (Especially if I plan on staying up this late again. Or talking to B., since it will probably take him until at the earliest 11:45 to get home, poor guy.) So many people were coughing tonight at YO rehearsal -

- and speaking of YO, our conductor was in such a bad mood today! I guess I knew he had it in him, but still, it's suprising, because it's sort of like he just realized how much trouble we're in because of the way we sound, and maybe he's also feeling the pressure of, well, not being Alasdair. Who has conducted every concert for the last twelve years. I mean, that's some shadow. I have respect for shadows. Being obscured by my sisters and all. But even if you're insecure, and even if you do realize that the people you're working with sound like crap... it won't do anything to blow up at them. And since I am almost certain that he is not reading this, I'll stop now, because it's not going to help and it's only going to send me into another coughing fit.

Today my school had its fall jazz concert. It went well, or as well as could be expected considering that I left my music at home. (Yes, I know I'm an idiot.) Heh. There wasn't time to go back and get it, so I bummed a couple of parts from people, memorized what I could, derived some of my part from the bass part...

Pause for a moment. Theater people designed our auditorium. When you act, you're talking, yes? And when you talk, you hear your voice in your head and can generally gauge how loud you are from that? So it's not so important to set the theater acoustically so that the actors can hear themselves; what's really important is that they be able to hear each other and that the audience be able to hear them, right?

It isn't so, alas, for a chamber orchestra. My father was standing at the back of the auditorium and taping our set. I just finished listening to it. It's rather amusing. I couldn't hear myself at all, even though I was playing near what I thought might be full volume but didn't seem to be speaking. Everybody else around me was really loud in my ears. (Does this sound familiar, anyone?) I couldn't hear myself at all.

Guess what it sounded like out in the hall.

Now, no one else could hear themselves, so overall, we were a pretty loud bunch - but wait! Three-quarters of the orchestra has timiditis and plays pianississimo at all times! Which meant that my tone comes out amazingly well in all the parts. Even when I have basic accompanimental figures.

Other than that, I think our concert went fine.

I should go to sleep now; it's been a long and stressful day. The adrenalin has finally worn off and tension is ebbing from my muscles...

...except I sort of want to stay online in case he comes on after he gets home. Jesus God, I'm pathetic. And self-centered. And quite frankly, I could make a list pages long of my faults, but some of them are the only reasons I - you know, stay alive, write, do all the things I do and attempt to juggle some more on occassion.

And hey, if I were perfect, you wouldn't be reading this.

(A voice tells me no one reads this. I tell that voice to shut up.)

- and yes, Raych, I am thinking that I maybe should give him the URL to this, because, you know, fun and games and awkwardness aplenty, and (sad as this next statement is) it's probably more articulate than anything my mouth could ever produce.

fatuus, a, um adj. foolish, stupid