23 XI 2001 - 20:57 - vita9

This entry was brought to you by the lovely eth (ð) and thorn (þ) - alas, neither of them could swing contracts with Sesame Street®, so they're stuck here in my diary. Also in subject headings to my emails, but more about that in a moment.

You know when you hum to yourself, but you open your throat while your mouth is closed and the result is this weird nasalized sound that makes the bones of your skull vibrate? Well, it's sort of like that.

Don't expect me to tell you what "it" is, either; if you've been reading and you still expect explanations of things like that, it would seem you haven't learned much.

I am listening to some Hindemith, which is actually just about how I feel right now. Yes, you people who have heard Hindemith's music, that's right, be scared.

Where should I begin? Well, let's begin with the good. Tomorrow at about this time, I will be sitting in a concert with T. It'll be nice to see her over the weekend; she doesn't come up all that rarely if it's not a school day, and she hasn't been up this break, so it'll be nice to see her again before Monday. (And I don't see her nearly enough during school - we don't have any classes together, so just about the only opportunity for us to spend any time together is lunch.)

To the less good: got the courage to do something about B., even if only behind the screen of email. It was... very civilized. He was very nice, very dignified about it. Heh. Wish I could be that composed. As it stands, I feel like I'm about to become a candidate for stress-related alopecia universalis - except, no, I really shouldn't tempt fate like this. I am not going to lose all my hair because I am nowhere near that tense. Yet. Blegh. I was right about the straight, incidentally.

And third: on the way to San Jose last night, it hit me that, wow, T. is right about the UST. And my God if, given enough vodka, I wouldn't do it... which is so disturbing I don't even want to think about it, except I keep dwelling on it. It would be so damn wrong and so damn right, in a really sick, twisted way. Considering that our relationship is all about who's on top, I can see it basically being a big pissing contest between me and Al. *shrugs* I'm not going there.

So it's been an interesting day of it overall. Stress compounded by the fact that B. is online right now and I'm not sure whether I should talk to him. Really boring science homework that I am something like ¼ of the way done with - namely, cutting out little models of deoxyribose sugars and attached bases. It's all very second-grade; I have to keep reminding myself "don't cut outside the lines!"

And I am talking to B. right now and it's making my cutting go all screwy. I'm going to be fine, yes, just as I said; it'll just take a day or two. Of feeling like an idiot, mostly - but life has to go on and so I can't go beating myself up forever. Just for a little while; but when I indulge myself like this, bad things happen.

Let them happen. I'm not in the mood to care. For once, I'm not going to worry about how I'll pick up the pieces.

And I still have my own brand of wry humor, my thick guilt, and my particular foolhardiness. If I've got them, I can't be that badly off.

Can I?

firmitas, firmitatis f.
or
firmitudo, firmitudinis f. firmness, stability; strength of mind, constancy, resolution