31 X 2002 - 21:13 - verba36

I think I wrote the first thing I've been happy with in a long time. So happy, in fact, that I'm thinking of putting it into the school literary magazine (since my writing class requires me to do so at least once this semester)...

tell me what you think, please?

tri(start to seek across the bed
at nights when all is far too still
the electricity of simple
touch which makes me start to)bolum
(believe)in(how this world is good
and how the light sings on your form
the gentle weight of which has stood
so many times as watch against
those deepest fears which come to rise
when all is still. And how your form
has learned to sing me like a text
with trope and love in wild flor)escence:

���(if there must be inequity
���o god let me more lover be)

The ending is, of course, Auden-derived.

Points of (self-found) doubt: tenth line, form -- repetition of what has come before in close proximity to the reptition of 'still,' which repetition i actually like. i've got all sorts of monosyllables - skin, warmth, tongue, touch, to stay with, but i'm still inclined to form -- is it all right there?

first line, closing couplet -- 'be' in middle of line echoes ending of second too closely -- but what could go in its place? it didn't seem to be so much of a problem when i asked a few others -- am i being oversensitive? perhaps, perhaps not, but it's too hard to come up with an alternative...

Feedback is, of course, much appreciated -- there are links to my guestbook and to my email on this page.