2001-05-15 - 4:58 p.m. - trivialis6

Gargh.

That's the grunt of the day, folks; those of you who have been reading the earlier entries will note that the grunt has replaced the quote. What can I say? I just got lazy.

I just erased an entry, which is irritating. I really need to keep track of where I am in my series much better - oh, and speaking of series, the "you" series is DEAD for a while... I got sick of mooning around. anyway- because that was what the lovely interface complained about- my name for the entries was the same. Before, it would just give them the same name and I could go back and correct it; now, apparently, it won't do that, sends up an error message, and erases everything I type. Gargh. Maybe it's just me- the day's been sort of blah anyway. My friend went home sick and I couldn't find most of my other friends for the rest of the day. I'm pushing the limit for my time-awake to time-asleep ratio for the day, and my coherence is definitely suffering for it.

Why am I here? Not here-location but here-universe.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm blessed: why do I still feel a need to whine?

Why do I feel guilty about things that weren't my decision?

Does love for oneself follow love for others, or does love for others follow love for oneself? Maybe it's a moot point because the two don't have to follow each other in any order... ah, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I've been trying hard mostly because it's great when I do well, but for some reason I feel now as if I'm trying hard for the sake of trying hard, that perhaps through effort I will be cleansed. Why can't I do what I say I want to do - like, say, practice well?

Apologies to everyone who's read my entire series of entries - it must have taken quite a bit of patience. I... don't know what's going on any more (as opposed to before, when I just thought I did.) Bleargh (thanks Chloe) sums it up pretty well.

My father just came in and asked me why I'm crying. I'm not, actually, but apparently my eyes are red. That's what a gross day will do for you. I feel as if I should be crying... the sea just before a storm, that's the color my insides feel.

Al, NCCO is on 19 May at 8 PM in Herbst Theater- Janacek, Dvorak, and some other Czech guy on the program. If you want to go, I can ask my teacher for a comp ticket for you... you can always go to ACWLP afterwards if your mother isn't done yet, it's only a block away.

I am enough of substance that I can become somebody who likes himself and loves others; I am enough that I can convince myself that I am worthy to be loved and, perhaps in the process see love come to pass. Empty posturing, that; but for a time it will make me feel better, though I do not believe it always.

I hope your day is going better and in a happier vein of thought. Once I remember the rest of my rant- which I think was better than this one- I will probably type it up.

Time to go and practice.

J (:>