2001-05-30 - 6:29 p.m. - brevis9

Finals are over. One more not-day and I will be done with this awful roller-coaster year. Not that it's been awful, quite the opposite, had some eye-opening, hair-raising experiences that make me a better person and which I hope will never happen again in quite the same way.

What I was trying to say last night, but couldn't: the things I say here are not all of what I think. I'd say that this portrait I'm drawing (ah look, the economy of line) is, perhaps not too much unlike allornothing's, rather one-sided. Except: I don't have the luxury of saying that this is my worst side. Many of my darker aspects are contained on this site. Some of what I feel most proud of is also up here. It's a toss. I suppose you'll have to get to know me - but I can't shake the feeling that perhaps I'm best at one or more removes, that any direct contact I have is doomed to failure. Perhaps.

But get this: I was talking to my "dentist" today and he boiled all of my issues to a rabid fear of loss. Hence this pushing-people-away-first business. Hence this rabid desire for knowledge for knowledge's sake and my consideration of books as nearly holy and not to be thrown out. Now isn't that lovely? (Look Ma, a Unified Field Theory for your very own son!) He makes it make sense, but I don't like it. I prefer to think that there are other things wrong with me, too. As there undoubtedly are: they just haven't been brought to my attention yet, or I'm too wrapped up in myself to notice.

Tell me when I cause you pain.

T., I hope your headache gets better.

I'll be writing more tomorrow, most likely.

I don't know... the more I look at myself, the more of a shitty person I am. Such shitty things I do... I don't know... it feels as if I'm trying to do something about it, but at the same time it doesn't look as if I'm doing anything at all. I'm afraid I'm not making any sense but let's just say that I have issues and leave it at that.

If I really wanted to change myself, I would.

J (:>