10 II 2002 - 20:41 - brevis35

This will be quick as I've not got that much time before my father has to start working again. There are, however, a couple of things which must be said.

Chinese New Year is in two days. It's going to be a Horse year, year 4700...

I had my seating audition today and it went pretty well. I got in there, played my excerpts (and of course they didn't have me play the one I'm best at) and apparently made faces. I do that a lot. For the first time ever, both my coach and my conductor said, "What are you grimacing about? It was fine. It was a good audition. A very good audition. If you can play better, that's great. But this is good enough." This, despite the fact that I added an extra subito piano in one of my excerpts. I don't know what to think and won't for another two weeks. They won't have my seating for another two weeks. At least I'm not a violinist, because they have to wait for something near a month. My mind is dragging me around now, please do excuse me. But I'm happy that they seemed to like my audition.

Reading sigyn's entry about compartmentalization in her life, I sort of wonder where the line between having multiple personalities and extreme compartmentalization is. (Or, you know, maybe I just like typing "compartmentalization.") Just because I then look at my own life, and how it's split into Home and School and Weekends. And it makes me incredibly antsy when those blur, and people who see me in two fields note how much I'm changed. I take on different personas for each field and it's slightly disturbing and, well, now I'm in a state where it seems I have a crush on two different people at the same time, and feelings towards both are just as intense. Oh yes I am a whore, but it's all in my head. And it's worrying that I who am used to being in control of myself find it necessary to do a mental, if not physical, check of my mouth when they pass by, to see if I am indeed again grinning like a loon.

I spent much of rehearsal doing just that over Eugene's head. I wish sometimes that I didn't feel, just for a moment, because it seems that some things might be easier. Then again, music would be a hell of a lot harder. And still I know that I should have better self-control than this.

(One wonders, once you've built the walls, who will be the one to bring them down; did the men of Jericho think of this?)

Scoff, please, and say I don't know intense need. Because it's true - but it's all relative and this is heady and this is good and right and this is somehow painful. I'm at the age where I can believe in what I feel and I'm not yet so disillusioned and I believe that, if I play my hand right, there may be something better to be found...

I cannot dwell in myself forever.